a few jokes
Posted: Apr 9th, '06, 19:58
An Irishman, a penguin, and a bear walk into a bar.
The bartender says:
"Is this a joke?"
....................................................................
a man is walking along a cliff when he stumbles and almost falls off, but on the way down he grabs a plant and hangs there. He looks up and yells "is anyone up there?"
The voice of God answers "let go of the plant, and by your faith in me you will be saved." The man looks down, then up again and yells "is anybody else up there?"
....................................................................
Once upon a time, when sailing ships and pirates still ruled the seas, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by pirates. As the crew became frantic, the captain calmly turned to his first mate and said "Bring forth me red shirt...".
The First Mate ran to get the captain's red shirt, which the captain swiftly put on and after this he courageously led his crew in battle.
After a long fight the pirates were defeated.
Later that day, the lookout yelled that there were TWO pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as always,said, "Bring forth me red shirt..."
Once again, he was brought his shirt, and, once again, he put it on, and after this he courageously led his crew in battle.
Tired to death by all the fighting the men sat around on deck that night resting, when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?".
The captain responded "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt doesn't show the wound, and thus you will continue to battle without fear!" The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all sending boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked again to the captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The captain, calm as ever, said "Bring forth me brown pants..."
....................................................................
Three surgeons are sat at a bar having a drink, bragging about their acomplishments.
The first one says "I'm such a good surgeon, I repaired a mans hand after it was mangled in machinery and now he's a concert pianist."
The second one replies "That's nothing, I managed to save a woman's legs after she got severe frostbite, she's now an olypmic runner."
The third one says "Oh yeah, well I saved a horserider after he was hit by a lorry, it was so bad all that was left was the back end of the horse and a cowboy hat. he's now the president of the USA."
....................................................................
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares, why is she out of the kitchen.
....................................................................
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied."What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, it might be OK in California but we're not having any of that shit in Ohio"
....................................................................
An English man,Scottish man and an Irish man walk into a bar.
A fly lands in all their drinks.
The English man is disguted and asks for a new beer.
The Scottish man just flicks the fly out of his beer and continues drinking.
The Irish man picks thr fly up and starts shaking it violently shouting "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!'
....................................................................
This is a totally rude one, but it's my favourite Brit joke anyway :
A guy decides to throw a fancy-dress party on Halloween. He tells his guests, 'Come dressed as an emotion.'
So come Halloween, ten o'clock, the doorbell rings. He opens the door, and outside is this guy covered in green paint, with the letters 'NV' stencilled upon his chest. 'I'm green with envy,' the guy explains.
The host exclaims, 'Jolly good!' and welcomes him in.
Two minutes later, the doorbell rings again. This time it's this lady wearing nothing but a pink body stocking and a strategically draped feathered boa. 'And what might you be?' asks the host. 'Oh, I'm tickled pink,' answers the lady, and is promptly welcomed in.
After most of the guests have arrived and are sipping Bloody Marys, the doorbell rings again. The host opens the door, and to his horror he sees two guys completely in the nude standing outside. One has his dong in a custard pie; the other has it in a large pear.
'Christ!' the host exclaims in horror, 'What do you think you're doing, standing naked as jaybirds on the sidewalk in the middle of the night? You could get arrested!'
The first guy says, 'Oh, I'm [Censored] disgusted, and he's in despair.'
....................................................................
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go camping one day. Halfway through the night, Holmes wakes up Watson and says, 'Look up, Watson, and tell me what you see.'
Watson replies, 'I see stars.'
Holmes says, 'And what is the significance of that?'
Watson thinks for a moment, before replying, For every hundred stars in the sky that we can see, there must be billions more we cannot see. And if there are billions of stars in the universe, then some of those stars must have planetary systems. And if some of those stars have planetary systems, then some of them must be capable of supporting life. And if some can support life, then it is only reasonable that there are living creatures on some of them, and therefore we are not alone in this universe.'
Holmes looks at Watson in exasperation and snaps, 'Watson you idiot, somebody stole our tent.'
....................................................................
A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "i bet you a $100 i can pee into this glass from the other end of the bar without missing a drop". The barman thinks its impossible so he agrees.
The man then aims at the glass, but gets pee all over the floor, the bar and even the barman, not one drop in the glass.
The man pays the barman and starts laughing. The barman says "why are you laughing, you have just lost $100".
The man says "I'm laughing because even though i lost $100 betting you i could pee into that glass, i bet those men over their $500 that i could pee all over you, and you wouldn't be angry"
Thats all I got.
The bartender says:
"Is this a joke?"
....................................................................
a man is walking along a cliff when he stumbles and almost falls off, but on the way down he grabs a plant and hangs there. He looks up and yells "is anyone up there?"
The voice of God answers "let go of the plant, and by your faith in me you will be saved." The man looks down, then up again and yells "is anybody else up there?"
....................................................................
Once upon a time, when sailing ships and pirates still ruled the seas, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by pirates. As the crew became frantic, the captain calmly turned to his first mate and said "Bring forth me red shirt...".
The First Mate ran to get the captain's red shirt, which the captain swiftly put on and after this he courageously led his crew in battle.
After a long fight the pirates were defeated.
Later that day, the lookout yelled that there were TWO pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as always,said, "Bring forth me red shirt..."
Once again, he was brought his shirt, and, once again, he put it on, and after this he courageously led his crew in battle.
Tired to death by all the fighting the men sat around on deck that night resting, when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?".
The captain responded "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt doesn't show the wound, and thus you will continue to battle without fear!" The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all sending boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked again to the captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The captain, calm as ever, said "Bring forth me brown pants..."
....................................................................
Three surgeons are sat at a bar having a drink, bragging about their acomplishments.
The first one says "I'm such a good surgeon, I repaired a mans hand after it was mangled in machinery and now he's a concert pianist."
The second one replies "That's nothing, I managed to save a woman's legs after she got severe frostbite, she's now an olypmic runner."
The third one says "Oh yeah, well I saved a horserider after he was hit by a lorry, it was so bad all that was left was the back end of the horse and a cowboy hat. he's now the president of the USA."
....................................................................
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares, why is she out of the kitchen.
....................................................................
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied."What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, it might be OK in California but we're not having any of that shit in Ohio"
....................................................................
An English man,Scottish man and an Irish man walk into a bar.
A fly lands in all their drinks.
The English man is disguted and asks for a new beer.
The Scottish man just flicks the fly out of his beer and continues drinking.
The Irish man picks thr fly up and starts shaking it violently shouting "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!'
....................................................................
This is a totally rude one, but it's my favourite Brit joke anyway :
A guy decides to throw a fancy-dress party on Halloween. He tells his guests, 'Come dressed as an emotion.'
So come Halloween, ten o'clock, the doorbell rings. He opens the door, and outside is this guy covered in green paint, with the letters 'NV' stencilled upon his chest. 'I'm green with envy,' the guy explains.
The host exclaims, 'Jolly good!' and welcomes him in.
Two minutes later, the doorbell rings again. This time it's this lady wearing nothing but a pink body stocking and a strategically draped feathered boa. 'And what might you be?' asks the host. 'Oh, I'm tickled pink,' answers the lady, and is promptly welcomed in.
After most of the guests have arrived and are sipping Bloody Marys, the doorbell rings again. The host opens the door, and to his horror he sees two guys completely in the nude standing outside. One has his dong in a custard pie; the other has it in a large pear.
'Christ!' the host exclaims in horror, 'What do you think you're doing, standing naked as jaybirds on the sidewalk in the middle of the night? You could get arrested!'
The first guy says, 'Oh, I'm [Censored] disgusted, and he's in despair.'
....................................................................
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go camping one day. Halfway through the night, Holmes wakes up Watson and says, 'Look up, Watson, and tell me what you see.'
Watson replies, 'I see stars.'
Holmes says, 'And what is the significance of that?'
Watson thinks for a moment, before replying, For every hundred stars in the sky that we can see, there must be billions more we cannot see. And if there are billions of stars in the universe, then some of those stars must have planetary systems. And if some of those stars have planetary systems, then some of them must be capable of supporting life. And if some can support life, then it is only reasonable that there are living creatures on some of them, and therefore we are not alone in this universe.'
Holmes looks at Watson in exasperation and snaps, 'Watson you idiot, somebody stole our tent.'
....................................................................
A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "i bet you a $100 i can pee into this glass from the other end of the bar without missing a drop". The barman thinks its impossible so he agrees.
The man then aims at the glass, but gets pee all over the floor, the bar and even the barman, not one drop in the glass.
The man pays the barman and starts laughing. The barman says "why are you laughing, you have just lost $100".
The man says "I'm laughing because even though i lost $100 betting you i could pee into that glass, i bet those men over their $500 that i could pee all over you, and you wouldn't be angry"
Thats all I got.
