Pet Diaries

Place you favourite jokes in here...

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greyskull
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Joined: Jan 30th, '09, 12:25
Location: Bristol

Pet Diaries

Post by greyskull »

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......



8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary. ..







Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates
and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my
contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat
something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again
vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body
at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However,
they merely made condescending
comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. B-st--ds.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.
I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means
and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around
his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --
but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies
and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating
with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every
move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated
cell, so he is safe.

For now................
"If it's not broken, fix it 'till it is - If your not sure how it works, take it apart and find out - If it don't work when you put it back together.......look in the manual"
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thelastsuperpower
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Posts: 1161
Joined: Oct 30th, '07, 16:03
Location: Barnstaple

Re: Pet Diaries

Post by thelastsuperpower »

Cats FTW! 8)
Bikeless again :/
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Mervin
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Joined: Nov 18th, '05, 19:42
First Name: mervin
Location: near bideford

Re: Pet Diaries

Post by Mervin »

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats:





The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairwaywas not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
Each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, bysome miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your pawunder the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the otherdog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
( don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Being shot out of a cannon will always be better than being squeezed out of a tube. That is why God made fast motorcycles,
Hunter S Thompson
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