BIKERS
Two old bikers, Mike and Joe, have been friends all their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved motorcycles all our lives, and we rode out together for so many years... Please do me a favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's motorcyles up there.
Joe looks up at Mike from his deathbed,"Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a few nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,"insists the voice.
"Joe, where are you?"
"In Heaven,"replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," says Joe,"is that there's motorcyles in Heaven. Better yet, all our old friends who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again."
"Better still," said Joe," it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride any type of bike, any vintage, all we want, the petrols free, we never have breakdowns or punctures and we never get tired or fall off."
"That's fantastic,"says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
And Joe said,"You're leading Tuesdays rideout!"
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Mistresses
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes and BMWs in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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essex girls
Two Essex girls pick up a perfume sample from the counter..........
Sharon sprays it on her wrist....
" That's nice innit, don't you think Trace ? "
" Yeah..Wot's it called ? "
' VIEN A MOI ! '
" Wot the f**k does that mean Shaz ? "
The assistant pipes up..." It's French for COME TO ME "
Shaz sniffs again.....
" Don't smell like come to me .......Does it to you Trace.....? "
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people and pets
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairwaywas not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
Each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, bysome miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your pawunder the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the otherdog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
( don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children
jokes
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