>
> BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
>
> Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,
> a spokesman for North West Gas said,
> 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey
> has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed
> his house.'
> (The Daily Telegraph)
>
> Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in
> her underwear.
> When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian
> boyfriend.
> (The Manchester Evening News)
>
> Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
> because they cannot issue a description.
> It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what
> it looks like.
> (The Guardian)
>
> A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
> rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.
> A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
> (The Times)
>
> At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and
> asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but
> he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
> blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
> ( Aberdeen Evening Express)
>
> Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience
> with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was
> sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945,
> she recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the
> crocuses
> came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil
> Hitler.''
> ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
>
> HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE
> A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to
> their passengers...
>
> 1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I
> know you're all dying to get home, unless, of
> course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want
> to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'
>
> 2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
> E & A syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his arse.
> I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'
>
> 3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
> last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had
> a great time.
> The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford
> and East Ham, which means we probably
> won't reach our destination.'
>
> 4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
> security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore
> stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and
> pass some time together.
> Alll together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'
>
> 5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ...
> As you can see, Baker Street is closed.
> It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you
> earlier, but no, they
> don't think about things like that'.
>
> 6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
> professional beggars.
> If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity.
> Failing that, give it to me.'
>
> 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
> announced in a West Indian drawl:
> 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately,
> towels are not provided.'
>
>
'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause )> 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm
> going home....'
>
> 9) 'Please allow the doors to close.
> Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.'
> The two are distinct and separate instructions.'
>
> 10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
> the doors are about to close.
> It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'
>
> 11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
> door.'
>
> 12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
> second carriage
> -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'
>
> 13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..)
> 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...)
> 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at
> the rear of the train:
> Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the
> door
> Before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'
>
> 14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
> on any part of the Underground.
> However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round
> the rest of the carriage.'
>