some one liners.....

[billinom8s]

l've just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips, curry sauce and a jumbo sausage. A poor, cold, homeless man sat there and said "l’ve not eaten for 4 days". I told him "I wish I had your [Censored] willpower"

23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train in Dublin.
Police believe Irish muslims have set off the first ever No More Nails bomb.

I've just spent 6 hours in accident and emergency. Turns out, the Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't what I expected.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night, the locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 52.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

A friend has started a new business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. He says prophets are going through the roof.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that…. 2:30am?! Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Blimey, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen."
Dave replies," Well, we were married for nearly 20 years "

Man calls 999 and says, "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says, "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest willy she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English",
"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?"
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"It’s alright boys," shouts the barman, “he's one of us.”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

An old lady is being examined by the Doctor. He asks “Have you ever been bed-ridden?”
She says, “Yes I have, and I've been table-ended and back-skuttled a few times too!”

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says, “What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said, “I would like to come back as a cow.”
I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”

Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called ‘caravan utilising nomadic travellers’ or C.*.N.T.S. for short.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, “I love you.”
She said, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
I replied, “It's me talking to the beer.”

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back

[Mervin]

Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their flaps!

So now when the guy goes down he can have a bevvy as well!

However, anti-drink campaigner's want it banned amid fears of 24 hr minge drinking !!

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A young attractive lady went for her first internal examination at the doctors. The doctor said "do you want me to num you down there" , the girl replied "yes please"
so the doctor put his head between her legs and went--- num... num... num .