Joke of the week

[goatpants]

A balding, white haired man from Sanctuary Cove in Queensland, walked into a jewellery store on the Gold Coast last Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger, woman at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a really special ring for his new girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, No, that’s a mere bauble… I'd like to see something much more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000’ the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'I think we'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque.. But I know you’ll need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and we'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know’, said the old man wearily ‘…but let me tell you all about my fantastic weekend!!'

[albieplums]

[Red5]

[goatpants]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"


The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[goatpants]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,

She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever...


Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

[gray]

Scientists after years of research have discovered the
Answer to an age old question

why don't women fart ?
It Appears they don't stop talking long enough to build up back- pressure

[EVILSON]

Scientists after years of research have discovered the
Answer to an age old question

why don't women fart ?
It Appears they don't stop talking long enough to build up back- pressure

You ain't met my missis!

[Mervin]

The Road to Inverness

One misty Scottish morning an Englishman is driving through the
hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into
the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four. He has a
huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing
temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a
tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands
a young women. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair
complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.

The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted
from the lovely girl when the red animal opens the car door and
drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole
raw ham.

"Right, you, Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want ye to masturbate",

"But......" stammers the driver.

"Dae it noo...or I'll bluddy kill ye!"

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and
starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl, this doesn't take him
long.

"Right" snarls the highlander "Dae it again!"

"But....." says the driver.

"Now!"

So the driver does it again.

"Right laddie, dae it again, faster this time..." demands the
highlander.

This goes on for an hour. The hapless driver gets cramps in both
arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is
failing (as promised for years by his priest) and, despite the cold
wind, has collapsed in a sweating, gibbering heap on the ground,
unable to stand.

"Dae it again" says the highlander.

"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the
man.

The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the
roadside. "All right, laddie," he says, "NOW ye can gie ma daughter
a lift to Inverness".

[TLS-Moose]

People have clearly been spending too much time in Smiler's company ........

[goatpants]

7 dwarves went to meet the Pope.
"Go on Dopey ask him" chanted the other 6. "Ok" said Dopey "Sir are there nuns in Alaska?". "Yes there are" said the Pope.
"Go on dopey ask him" urged the other 6. "Ok" said Dopey, "Sir are there black nuns in Alaska?". "Yes there
are" said the Pope.
"Go on Dopey ask him" Dopey blushed "Are there midget black nuns in Alaska?". "No i don't think so" said the Pope.
All 6 leapt up shoutin "Dopey shagged a penguin!

[Mervin]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,

She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever...


Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAg0lUYHHFc