If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage
is almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle. Guaranteed to work every time!
Weight watchers: Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the F*cking
thing in the first place.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating
into it, before jumping in.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two
bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following
morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
what you want to look at.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'
eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction
of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat
hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers: avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment
or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended
destination in the first place.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes: disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing
in the sink.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitutes etc."taste exactly like the real thing", they won't
notice any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be
made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
stain and check that it has gone.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights
and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it!
Fiat Punto drivers: attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before
starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so
it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent
you from going back to sleep.
