STAR WARS! (in Barnsley)

[LWR GERRY]

If Star Wars were set in Barnsley!

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall,
from Kendray and called Spanner.

He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would
permanently smell of drink and invariably sport either a Barnsley or England
top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Cocker by his
cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as
Wanky-Nobby

Darth Vader would referred to as 'Elmit Head' or in moments of stress 'that
dome-edded get'

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number
of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on
him. He would also refuse to go near groups of young kids at any time
because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a
speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to
understand anything anyone from Athersley said. He would regularly get
beaten up for being a knacker-faced poof from Sheffield.

The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and
extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Barnsley Chronicle I Love Tarn
Army sticker in the back window and a St Georges Cross SUN SUPPORTS OUR BOYS
bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run
very fast when you're wearing 5-inch platform heels and a tiny silver
mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've
been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate
all out attack. Two easy ways would be to alter its orbit so it passed
through Grimethorpe and tell the locals it was full of Cockneys or leave it
unattended in Alhambra car park. Or you could convert it into a huge
Takeaway.

Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-

Han Solo "I've got a real bad feeling about this" translation: "Am Kackin
Missen"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around." "Come
right art you b******s Al tek ont lotton yer"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your
side, kid." "Bugger the mumbo - wot tha needs is a chuffin gret crickit bat"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker -"The Force is strong in
this one" "Thar allus Laikin abart, theee"

Princess Leia - "You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?" "Ah
dint think they took short-arses in t coppers?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade." "We
nackered in this peece er crap"

Admiral Motti - "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord
Vader." "You think you're that hard, yer southern get - artside!!"

Obi Wan - "I felt a great disturbance in the Force." It's looking black over
Bill's Mother's"

Luke to the Emperor -"Your overconfidence is your weakness." "You think yer
really summat, dunt yer"