A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting.The priest asked "Who created the Earth and mankind?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest loked at him and said, "THAT's right". Then he asked "Who is God's son?" O nce more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "JESUS CHRIST!" Again, the priest said, "Correct." Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband once again, but this time he screamed:
"POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME AND I'M GOING TO RIP IT OFF!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't manage the step. She reached behind and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. The skirt was still too tight. She reached behind and lowered the zipper some more. She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of a sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which then pushed her up onto the bus. SHE SPUN AROUND, WITH ANGER IN HER EYES AND SAID VERY INDIGNANTLY, "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner."
The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"
One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'p*n*s' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the room looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it from the board and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and saw, in large letters, the word P*N*S on the blackboard. Again, she scanned the room looking for the culprit, but found none, so she proceededto erase the word and continue with the lessons.
Every morning for about a week she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, and each day's word, larger than the previous day's.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, and instead found the words:
THE MORE YOU RUB IT, THE BIGGER IT GETS!"
A WELSH MAN BUYS SEVERAL SHEEP, HOPING TO BREED THEM FOR WOOL.After several weeks, he noticed that none of them were getting pregnant, and phones the vet for help.The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate th sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into the Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he decuces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next Morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round."Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day bonking the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she replies, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn!"
jokeS
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