Tips for 2006

Funky · Post by **Funky** » Jan 13th, '06, 23:55

)Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the flaming thing in the first place, you fat sod.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive .

Blimey · Post by **Blimey** » Jan 14th, '06, 00:01

sprocket · Post by **sprocket** » Jan 14th, '06, 00:24

LMFAO theres some wicked lines there?

Cheggers · Post by **Cheggers** » Jan 14th, '06, 07:36

Jay · Post by **Jay** » Jan 14th, '06, 08:09

sonic · Post by **sonic** » Jan 14th, '06, 11:08

Gingey · Post by **Gingey** » Jan 14th, '06, 15:58

very good especially the ones about the stairs and the addicts with cold turkey!

Mervin · Post by **Mervin** » Jan 19th, '06, 19:19

The one about the Vegetarians reminds me of a sticker my very carnivorous wife(Apache Indian) has.....
it reads: VEGETARIAN.....Indian word for "Lousy Hunter"

quote from yamahead on Yamahaclub.com forum
and it is true he does have an apache wife

merv

Stinky · Post by **Stinky** » Jan 21st, '06, 23:15

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Wouldnt you get a permanent pen stain on it then?

Blimey · Post by **Blimey** » Jan 21st, '06, 23:22

Stinky wrote:
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Wouldnt you get a permanent pen stain on it then?

Funky · Post by **Funky** » Jan 22nd, '06, 00:16

Blimey wrote:
Stinky wrote:
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Wouldnt you get a permanent pen stain on it then?

Must be a tip sent in by a blonde....

jason · Post by **jason** » Jan 22nd, '06, 02:18

Stinky wrote:
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Wouldnt you get a permanent pen stain on it then?

Mervin · Post by **Mervin** » Jan 23rd, '06, 15:15

Avoid wheel clamps
Remove all your wheels and put em inside the car whenever you park illegally

merv

jamieclayton9 · Post by **jamieclayton9** » Jan 23rd, '06, 15:17

. good

baskie · Post by **baskie** » Jan 23rd, '06, 15:22

Funkalicious wrote:
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

.

tried this one.lol got told off though cus i tok too long .lmfao

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Tips for 2006

Tips for 2006

Re: Tips for 2006