Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny
summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My
Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most
forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so
that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in
this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a
curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I
might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to
take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted
and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to
be
charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket.
That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted
off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the
frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at
midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding
tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who
was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets back to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman takes a deep breath, stands up
tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman
in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; its 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump **** out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'
~~~~~~~~~
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
~~~~~~~~~
Stop Press Noos........
In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show
enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced
that they will now air "America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit
on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but ina flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks,"Did you get these marks having sex?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor,you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen"..
~~~~~~~~~~
Ray is Gay. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?
Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..'
Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
~~~~~~~~
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . ...
''I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.''
''Just put yourself in my hands for one year,'' said the shrink. ''Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears...''
''How much do you charge?'' ''Eighty dollars per visit,'' replied the doctor. ''I'll sleep on it,'' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ''Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?'' he asked.
''Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!''
''Is that so!'' With a bit of an attitude he said, ''and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?''
''He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!''
SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny,
flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
~~~~~~~~~~
London Met Police Job Interview...
A man seeking to join the London Met's Firearms Department, is being interviewed.
The Chief Constable doing the interview says: "Your qualifications look good, but there is an attitude suitability testthat you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a loaded service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot twenty illegal imigrants,six drug dealers, sixty Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
" Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude", says the Chief Constable. "When can you start?"
~~~~~~~~
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
~~~~~~~~~~
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them
to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos........Oh, Poor Carlos.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...........then all the other bells started to ring.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to
help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
~~~~~~~~~~
And finally from Scotlands finest comes...............
A class of the infants school was trying very hard to become accustomed to
going to first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "NO baby
talk!" "You need to use 'Big People' words," the teacher was always reminding
them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Remember, use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done?
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said."What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with eat pride, and said, "Winnie the sh*t."
__________________
jokes
Moderator: Staff
